It's a strange feeling when you realize you have been deceiving yourself. Subconsciously you have known all along you have been lying to yourself repeatedly for years. However, the moment of complete clarity, the moment where the fog lifts from your mind, where the elaborate web you have weaved throughout the years dissolves into the abyss is absolutely terrifying. A friend pointed out to me today that I was not being completely honest with myself on a particular matter. I felt as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water in my face. I began back pedaling but it was too late. The accusation hung in the air while I desperately searched for words to prove I was not misleading myself. Sadly, none which would be believable even to me came.
I do not know why this particular statement bothered me so much. I have had many people throughout the years tell me I was not being truthful with myself on this subject and yet I have always been able to shake it off. That is until this moment. He simply sat there looking directly in my eyes and when I finished my ramblings, smiled and said "you have a lot of soul searching to do because you know what you are saying is a load of BS." I went to reply but no words managed to escape the confinement of my mouth. My brain was screaming for the words to materialize and yet my mouth held them captive. In the end, I could only manage to look away.
As I sit here playing those words over and over again and my common defense of such allegations, I realize that lying to oneself becomes exhausting. And yet I am still willing to continue to facade. Why you ask? The answer is simple...fear. I fear the repercussions of the truth. I am reluctant to risk the consequences of honesty. I understand there potentially could be a reward beyond my wildest dreams awaiting me at the end of my confession. However, I am acutely aware of the chances for that reward becoming a reality are worst then my chances of winning a lottery. And the likelihood of what I would describe as catastrophic events unfolding from the truth is the same as the likelihood the sun will rise in the morning. I realize I often tell people to throw caution to the wind and act in the moment as we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. We are not even promised an hour. Yet, here I am petrified to follow my own advice. I think humans are innately hesitant to heed their own counsel. And I am not an exception to the human race. I simply continue to be quietly tortured by my own lies as I now know with absolutely clarity that's all they are...a pack of lies.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
