I understood that as a woman I could do pretty much whatever I wanted to, that I didn’t have to use sex or sexuality to define myself. ~Suzanne Vega

I saw an interview where teh person made a statement about exuding sexuality. Immediately, I began a series of flashbacks. In my lifetime, I have had a number of people comment on my sexuality. My mind possesses vivid memories of sitting on a couch as a man told me how captivating I was and how I "exuded sexuality." I felt it was a strange statement and couldn't help but wonder whether I should take it as a complement or not especially since I had no idea what I was doing to make him say that. I couldn't begin to make myself say "thank you" to such a bizarre statement so instead my response was "what do you mean." I listened to him talk about the way I carry myself, the air of confidence surrounding me and how my mannerisms seemed accidental yet deliberate. It was at that moment, years ago, that it struck me: confidence is attractive for both men and women.

Mentally so many people have lost sight of that fact. Women are so wrapped up in overt sexuality that they have lost the beauty and appeal of being subtle. As this man and many who followed him put it, the way you carry yourself with an air of confidence can be the most powerful attractive agent in the world. If you portray yourself as being nothing more than a walking sexual creature that will be all the world sees you as and not the intelligent/creative/funny person you are. That is not to say that we all haven't used a certain amount of sex appeal to get something we wanted. Whether it's with a teacher, principal, co-worker, boss, police officer, mechanic, etc, we are all guilty of that least attempting to flirt our way to a beneficial outcome. Personally, I don't think it's Armageddon to occasionally participate in such activities but it's when occasionally creeps over into frequent that there is a problem. At the point of frequent use of your sexuality, you are letting it define you rather than you defining it.

I wish young people would realize the incredible power they have locked within themselves. It's nothing to shy away from nor is it something they should try to force. The celebrity world seems to push sex at every turn and the youth of the United States is desperate to emulate what they see. They put on the practically nonexistent shorts/skirts, plunging necklines and seam splitting tight outfits to try and capture the "sexy" being portrayed to them. All the while, they are missing what truly makes a person exude sexuality. Confidence. So I say to you: Discover who you are and become completely secure in that knowledge. You define yourself not your sexuality. Innately sexuality is a part of that definition but it is not the entirety.

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. " -Franklin D. Roosevelt

It's a strange feeling when you realize you have been deceiving yourself. Subconsciously you have known all along you have been lying to yourself repeatedly for years. However, the moment of complete clarity, the moment where the fog lifts from your mind, where the elaborate web you have weaved throughout the years dissolves into the abyss is absolutely terrifying. A friend pointed out to me today that I was not being completely honest with myself on a particular matter. I felt as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water in my face. I began back pedaling but it was too late. The accusation hung in the air while I desperately searched for words to prove I was not misleading myself. Sadly, none which would be believable even to me came.

I do not know why this particular statement bothered me so much. I have had many people throughout the years tell me I was not being truthful with myself on this subject and yet I have always been able to shake it off. That is until this moment. He simply sat there looking directly in my eyes and when I finished my ramblings, smiled and said "you have a lot of soul searching to do because you know what you are saying is a load of BS." I went to reply but no words managed to escape the confinement of my mouth. My brain was screaming for the words to materialize and yet my mouth held them captive. In the end, I could only manage to look away.

As I sit here playing those words over and over again and my common defense of such allegations, I realize that lying to oneself becomes exhausting. And yet I am still willing to continue to facade. Why you ask? The answer is simple...fear. I fear the repercussions of the truth. I am reluctant to risk the consequences of honesty. I understand there potentially could be a reward beyond my wildest dreams awaiting me at the end of my confession. However, I am acutely aware of the chances for that reward becoming a reality are worst then my chances of winning a lottery. And the likelihood of what I would describe as catastrophic events unfolding from the truth is the same as the likelihood the sun will rise in the morning. I realize I often tell people to throw caution to the wind and act in the moment as we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. We are not even promised an hour. Yet, here I am petrified to follow my own advice. I think humans are innately hesitant to heed their own counsel. And I am not an exception to the human race. I simply continue to be quietly tortured by my own lies as I now know with absolutely clarity that's all they are...a pack of lies.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~George Bernard Shaw

As a new year is rapidly approaching, I have spent a great deal of time pondering the events which have manifested into my life. The friend lost, the love gained, the impulsive action, the meticulously crafted plan. As I cross off another goal from my ‘Life’s To Do List’, I cannot help but wonder about the year to come and whether I am ready for another gamble of what a year may bring. While the exiting year brought many wonderful events, I realize in the closing months of 2010 I have become rather myopic in my actions. I dream extravagant ideas about places to go and things to do while in the present real world I find myself participating in activities for a short sighted pleasure rather than considering the potential repercussions. When did I become that person? I wonder if the reason I am acting in such a manner now is because I failed to explore such frivolities when I was younger.

Like the majority of the world’s population, I find myself trapped between the person I am and the person I wish to be. In some aspects, I despise the girl I once was while I love the woman I have become. However, in the same token, I cherish my childhood self and loathe the woman I have become. Perhaps, my New Year’s resolution should be to find a way to reconcile the two individuals. Cling to the endearing childish qualities while dispelling the appalling adult behaviors. While this New Year’s pledge has nothing to do with losing weight, quitting smoking or drinking, or any other such stereotypical resolution, I believe this is the most important and most difficult undertaking a person can task themselves with; an introspective inventory. Certainly at times, an inward analysis can and will be painful. However, it is also destined to be uplifting and inspirational. We have all survived various trials and those triumphs will lift our spirits while we examine the less savory characteristics/actions.

A new year is divinely designed for reinvention. Whether it is personal or professional, January 1st is the perfect time to cast off our pedestrian selves and embrace the people we are meant to be. For some of us, this may call for a more cerebral existence. For others, it may require a more emotional approach to life. I am unsure which road is appropriate for me to take in merging my two selves into one complete person.

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find." ~John Churton Collins

We all hide aspects of our lives from those around us. Through shielding these secrets, the people we come in contact with gain a false impression of the type of individual we are. For instance, I once heard someone refer to my life as being “perfect.” Naturally, just as every other person on the planet, my life is a far cry from perfect. To an outside observer, we all can seem so “normal” or even unrealistically “perfect.” But if we were to truly know each other’s secrets, we would realize that person ‘X’ does not have it better than us as they have their own assortment of problems and person ‘Y’ is not so different from us because they too struggle with the same type of secret.

We all are guilty of looking at someone and wishing we could switch places with them. Also, we all have a particular side to our lives we keep buried, under lock and key, and continually pray will never find a speck of sunlight for fear of being harshly judged by those in the outside world. What would happen if we stopped guarding these secrets but revealed them? The mere contemplation of such a thing is both liberating and terrifying. Would we finally breathe a sigh of relief upon learning the person we thought was “perfect” has an addiction problem? Or that they had an affair with a married individual? Or that they have terrible relationships with family members? Or that their last relationship resulted in their heart being ripped from their chest? Would that make us breathe easier?

Sadly, I believe it would allow us to experience a level of relaxation that few, if any, of us have previously had. Because in learning the secrets of those around us, we, too, would be able to relinquish the reins on our own. We would realize that our own problems or secrets are not uncommon within the rest of society. We could stop feeling as though we are alone on a heavily populated planet. We could find peace in ourselves. We could find comfort.

#1 Go Skydiving ~Jill Smolinski

I recently read a book about a young woman who was trying to complete a dead woman’s list of 20 things to do before her 25th birthday. The tasks ranged from simple things (wearing sexy shoes) to extremely difficult ventures (change someone’s life). As the older woman raced to complete the list by the deadline, her entire outlook drastically changed. By the end of the story, she decided to compile her own list of things to do within the span of her lifetime. To set goals and at times make a conscious effort to throw caution to the wind. To take a risk…put herself out there in ways that she had not previously done.

What originally drew me to this piece of fiction is that I, myself, have composed a list of things I wish to do/accomplish in my lifetime. The top of the piece of paper bears the words "Things To Do Before I Die." Examples of things from my list (some completed and some not): travel to all 50 states, do something completely uncharacteristic, stand on the steps of the US Supreme Court, see the Eiffel Tower, go on a cruise, own a house, and graduate from college. While some make think it is corny to have such a list, I personally think it is a good idea. By having these things written down, you are able to refer to your list when various opportunities arise. If you are teetering on whether to take an opportunity, sometimes a goal on your list will spur you to take the chance—to plunge into the unknown. Also, as you complete tasks you are able to cross them off and have a visual reminder of what you are striving for. A reminder of the things you want to accomplish, to experience, to have. While it may seem absurd, if you are struggling to find a purpose, a list of things to do gives you a purpose.

I created my list well over a decade ago. Through the years, very little about it has changed. I have only added a few items and deleted one from the original list. While a number of things have been accomplished, there still remains a large number of things to do. However, when I begin to feel as though I’m simply floundering in life, I pull out the list and see the things I have completed boldly marked off. This sight comforts me. I think the same can be true for anyone who creates such a to-do list.

I encourage everyone to compile a list of goals/experiences they wish to have in a period of time. It can be like the book with a specific deadline such as a birthday or a lifetime list like I created a decade ago. I do recommend having various stages of difficult on your list. That way you will be able to see gradual progress. Really difficult tasks will take time to happen. It is much easier to work on those over time while you complete a small goal here and there in the interim. So look deep into your desires world and start making those lists!

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea. ~E.E. Cummings

As the waves commit their rhythmic assault on the sand, I sit in my beach chair pondering over the journey each wave has made. I look out to the horizon and wonder of the beyond; somewhere in Europe is there a girl looking towards me wondering the same. Little children play within the waters without a care in the world except escaping the next crashing wave. The sights and sounds of the beach make it an easy getaway. As the waves roll back to the sea, so do your worries. It’s common place to close your eyes and let the waves carry you away. Reality awaits you just beyond the dunes. But this oasis will sit unchanged waiting for your joyful return. The waves will still hammer the shore, seagulls will continue to fly overhead, and the sand will continue to lay quiet with the anticipation of your relaxation. Oh, how I yearn to stay in this paradise; tucked away from the haste of the world. Alas, it is nothing more than a silent hope; a dream. We must all return to reality. We must return to the unrelenting world until it is time again to feel the sand between our toes. Many leave the beach with hesitation; worried their memories will not sustain them until the next visit. For me the beach is my escape. When the world shows its cruel face, I shall simply close my eyes and remember. Allow myself to be transported away. Remember the soft sea breeze through my hair, the warm sun on my face, the smell of salt tickling my nose, and the glorious sound of the waves assaulting the shore; such a sweet homecoming.

“I am impossible to forget but hard to remember.” ~Elizabethtown

Memories. It’s astounding what the human mind remembers and what it forgets over time. What makes us catalog every minute detail of an event while other experiences we can not begin to recall specifics? This must be one of the great mysteries to which scientists are working to uncover an answer. But will we ever truly be able to fully understand the processes of the mind and memory? And if we are able to ascertain such answers, what then? Would we be able to further manipulate individual’s memories? Allow them to remember some parts of an event while erasing other aspects? Or would such a discovery simply be used in a pure science form where the only implication is the rewriting of textbooks?

It is safe to assume that every person has individuals they wish they could extract from their memory. However, what we often forget until it is too late is once you allow someone to enter your life they will never leave you. They will remain burned into your subconscious forever particularly if you share a meaningful experience with such a person. The first time wanting to say/saying/meaning "I love you" to someone. The first awkward/botched kiss. The first time staying up until the early hours of the morning just talking. The first time spending the night with someone. The first time falling asleep in a man’s arms and waking up to see the slight tug of a content smile on his lips.

As of late, I have been plagued with memories of various people and events. There are some memories which I wish I could remember the event without remembering the person and vice versa. Of course, there are those people and event combinations which I wish to play over and over again in my head as they comfort me. They allow me to escape my surroundings and to live in my head for a brief period. Unfortunately, I have little to no control over what memory will drift across my subconscious at a particular moment in time—whether it will be a recollection which will invoke conflicting emotions or a memory which will provide escape. Perhaps, with time, all of our memories will reach a place where they will provide escape.—where we can remember every aspect of an event and/or person without feeling a sharp jerk on our hearts or a negative emotion. Perhaps, in time, we reach a point where we no longer wish to extract people or events from our thoughts. But naturally that begs the question: how much time must pass for that to happen?