I understood that as a woman I could do pretty much whatever I wanted to, that I didn’t have to use sex or sexuality to define myself. ~Suzanne Vega

I saw an interview where teh person made a statement about exuding sexuality. Immediately, I began a series of flashbacks. In my lifetime, I have had a number of people comment on my sexuality. My mind possesses vivid memories of sitting on a couch as a man told me how captivating I was and how I "exuded sexuality." I felt it was a strange statement and couldn't help but wonder whether I should take it as a complement or not especially since I had no idea what I was doing to make him say that. I couldn't begin to make myself say "thank you" to such a bizarre statement so instead my response was "what do you mean." I listened to him talk about the way I carry myself, the air of confidence surrounding me and how my mannerisms seemed accidental yet deliberate. It was at that moment, years ago, that it struck me: confidence is attractive for both men and women.

Mentally so many people have lost sight of that fact. Women are so wrapped up in overt sexuality that they have lost the beauty and appeal of being subtle. As this man and many who followed him put it, the way you carry yourself with an air of confidence can be the most powerful attractive agent in the world. If you portray yourself as being nothing more than a walking sexual creature that will be all the world sees you as and not the intelligent/creative/funny person you are. That is not to say that we all haven't used a certain amount of sex appeal to get something we wanted. Whether it's with a teacher, principal, co-worker, boss, police officer, mechanic, etc, we are all guilty of that least attempting to flirt our way to a beneficial outcome. Personally, I don't think it's Armageddon to occasionally participate in such activities but it's when occasionally creeps over into frequent that there is a problem. At the point of frequent use of your sexuality, you are letting it define you rather than you defining it.

I wish young people would realize the incredible power they have locked within themselves. It's nothing to shy away from nor is it something they should try to force. The celebrity world seems to push sex at every turn and the youth of the United States is desperate to emulate what they see. They put on the practically nonexistent shorts/skirts, plunging necklines and seam splitting tight outfits to try and capture the "sexy" being portrayed to them. All the while, they are missing what truly makes a person exude sexuality. Confidence. So I say to you: Discover who you are and become completely secure in that knowledge. You define yourself not your sexuality. Innately sexuality is a part of that definition but it is not the entirety.

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. " -Franklin D. Roosevelt

It's a strange feeling when you realize you have been deceiving yourself. Subconsciously you have known all along you have been lying to yourself repeatedly for years. However, the moment of complete clarity, the moment where the fog lifts from your mind, where the elaborate web you have weaved throughout the years dissolves into the abyss is absolutely terrifying. A friend pointed out to me today that I was not being completely honest with myself on a particular matter. I felt as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water in my face. I began back pedaling but it was too late. The accusation hung in the air while I desperately searched for words to prove I was not misleading myself. Sadly, none which would be believable even to me came.

I do not know why this particular statement bothered me so much. I have had many people throughout the years tell me I was not being truthful with myself on this subject and yet I have always been able to shake it off. That is until this moment. He simply sat there looking directly in my eyes and when I finished my ramblings, smiled and said "you have a lot of soul searching to do because you know what you are saying is a load of BS." I went to reply but no words managed to escape the confinement of my mouth. My brain was screaming for the words to materialize and yet my mouth held them captive. In the end, I could only manage to look away.

As I sit here playing those words over and over again and my common defense of such allegations, I realize that lying to oneself becomes exhausting. And yet I am still willing to continue to facade. Why you ask? The answer is simple...fear. I fear the repercussions of the truth. I am reluctant to risk the consequences of honesty. I understand there potentially could be a reward beyond my wildest dreams awaiting me at the end of my confession. However, I am acutely aware of the chances for that reward becoming a reality are worst then my chances of winning a lottery. And the likelihood of what I would describe as catastrophic events unfolding from the truth is the same as the likelihood the sun will rise in the morning. I realize I often tell people to throw caution to the wind and act in the moment as we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. We are not even promised an hour. Yet, here I am petrified to follow my own advice. I think humans are innately hesitant to heed their own counsel. And I am not an exception to the human race. I simply continue to be quietly tortured by my own lies as I now know with absolutely clarity that's all they are...a pack of lies.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."